How to Come Out - or Not

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APPENDIX A - SUGGESTIONS FOR COMING OUT—IF YOU CHOOSE (See other tabs for bonus material)

Don’t feel pressure to come out. Pray about when, how, and with whom to share your feelings. Follow good impressions. Consider whom you want to tell and why (whom you are attracted to is not necessarily everyone’s business). If you don’t want the whole world to know, the person or people you come out to must be trustworthy; you should have a good sense that they love you and are capable of keeping confidences. Therapists, counselors, and clergy are obligated to keep your personal information confidential unless they find you might hurt yourself or others (legally, they have a duty to report that).

Have a support system beyond those you plan to tell. This can be a therapist, clergy member, support group (most are anonymous), or other safe professional outside your family and friends.1There are LGBTQIA hotlines as well. (See the QR code at the end of the book.)

Consider outcomes. If you are financially dependent on your parents and there’s a possibility that they might withdraw support or kick you out, it may be wise to wait until you have a backup plan for where to go and how to support yourself.

Neeral Sheth, a psychiatrist specializing in LGBTQIA health at Rush University, “advises against publicly coming out if you’re just beginning. ‘You might see celebrities coming out publicly through a social media post or a press conference, but I don’t recommend doing anything like this—at least not until you have a core group of people that you know will support you 100%.’ Social media can also be risky, as people you don’t know well may make negative comments. And if even if you do know them, Sheth says that you should be prepared for people to have different reactions to your news, especially if they did not expect it.”2 Others, wanting to be supportive, may naively encourage you toward choices that may be destructive to you.

When it’s the right time, a script may help you avoid misunderstandings. It may be good to prepare the person you’re telling. Ask for what you need:

· “I’d like to speak with you tonight.”

· “I want to tell you something; will you listen?”

· “Would you have time to talk? I have something I’d like to share with you; it may be difficult to hear.”

· “I need you to keep this between us until I’m ready to share with others.”

Speak what’s in your heart. Here are some starting options:

· “You’re important to me; I want you to know that I’m gay/bisexual/pansexual/lesbian/transgender/asexual/queer. This means that I (am attracted to ___/identify as ___).”

· “I’ve thought about this for a while and feel that . . .”

· “I’m not attracted to . . .”

· “This is hard for me” or “This is very personal.”

· “It’s been difficult hiding my true feelings.”

· “I haven’t mentioned this before because . . .”

· “I want to be honest with myself and with you because it’s difficult to accept love or feel connection while wondering whether people would love or accept this part of me.”

· “I’m sharing this because I love you and hope we can still have a good relationship.”

Prepare for questions. These options allow a loved one space and time to digest:

· “I’d like to talk more later, when you’ve had some time to think.”

· “I’m happy to share what I can” or ”I don’t want to talk about details; I just wanted you to know.”

· “I hope you will always accept me.”

· “I’ll try to answer your questions, but maybe not all at once.”

· “I love you. Thank you for . . .”

If things don’t go well, remember a person’s initial response my not be what they intend. You may need to reassure them, set a boundary, or pause the conversation. Things may improve with time. Here are a few suggestions for how to handle a negative reaction:

· “I know you’re concerned/angry; I still love you.”

· “I’m still the same person you’ve always known.”

· “I don’t want to fight; I hope you’ll change your mind.”

· “I’m going to take a break, but I will be back at . . .”

· “I need to stop for now; perhaps we can talk later.”3

NOTES

1. Support for LGBTQIA people: https://www.northstarlds.org/; suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (or simply dial 988); https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/.

2. M. K. Manoylov and Zil Goldstein, “How to Come Out to Your Friends, Family Members, and More—And How to Make Sure It’s Healthy and Safe for You,” Insider, January 20, 2021, https://tinyurl.com/ycka492y.

3. See “Coming Out to Your Parents,” Strong Family Alliance, 2017, https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/.

4. Information enhanced with ideas from ChurchofJesusChrist.org, Asha French, Caitlin Ryan, Family Acceptance Project, and Bianca Salvetti, “How to Talk to Your Child Who Is Questioning or Identifies as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Asexual (LGBTQA),” RN Remedies (blog), Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, June 24, 2016, https://www.chla.org/blog/rn-remedies/how-talk-your-child-who-questioning-or-identifies-lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender.

APPENDIX B

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN A LOVED ONE COMES OUT TO YOU (& WHAT NOT TO DO)

In addition to this section, you may find it helpful to review the list of Key Points as well as chapters 2, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 14, and 15.

Coming out may be a time of complex emotions and reactions for all involved, but a simple expression of love has the power to calm and reassure. If you don’t know what to say, you can always say, “I love you, and God loves you.” You don’t have to understand your loved one’s situation to express your love for them.

While it is typically unproductive to tell a child they are simply going through a phase when they come out to you, discovering identity is a process—and what one thought was set in stone can evolve. It has for me and others.

My friend Jay came out to his parents as gay when he was a young adult. He laughs because, contrary to what he predicted, his stern dad—not his sweet mom—took the news in stride (his mom had to go compose herself in the other room). What none of them anticipated was that a while later, Jay realized that he didn’t want a gay partnership (at least not in the common definition); he discovered he is asexual! “Questioning” is a real state.

Patience with self, loved ones, and God is always a good thing. Here are some other ideas to help you and your loved ones:

· Listen. Ask questions.

· Thank them for telling you. Assure them, “I will always love you.”

· Believe that your loved one can have a happy life as an LGBTQIA person (and that gender and sexual orientation are only a part of a much broader identity and life).

· If you need time to digest the news, assure your loved one that you love them and ask for some time to take it in. Follow up—and don’t delay this! Check in every once in a while.

· If you learn about your loved one’s LGBTQ status secondhand, don’t take it personally.

· If you react poorly, apologize.

· Where comfortable for both, give affection. Be courageous. Some teens give a vibe that they don’t want hugs, but they often really do.

· Stand up for your loved one if anyone (including family) is disrespectful. You don’t have to advocate a certain lifestyle—but every person deserves love and respect.

· Research different perspectives and data—don’t rely on your loved one to be your only source of information.

· If your loved one is living with you, don’t alter your standards for them. Be sure they understand your expectations, and encourage wise and healthful choices. If the person is a minor, regular conversations about sexual morality are essential—regardless of orientation (see chapters 5–7 and 9–15). These conversations don’t have to be formal but can be in the course of other activities.1

· Always get permission before sharing about your loved one with someone else.

· Where appropriate, humbly share your experiences and challenges with others.

· Welcome your loved one’s partner or LGBTQIA friends to your home and to family gatherings. This is not a surrender of your personal moral standards; it is loving one’s neighbor (and, hopefully, retaining positive influence with your loved one).

· If your loved one expresses any suicidal thoughts or desires, or a desire to harm themselves, get them professional help.2

· Try to honor a transgender (or any) person’s wishes regarding name choice. It shouldn’t be difficult to use whatever name a person chooses. If you cannot bring yourself to call your trans loved one their preferred pronoun, ask if they’d be okay with you using terms like you/they/their. Be patient with each other, as it takes time to replace old habits with new ones.

· Continue to pray for and serve your loved one. The least productive prayer is “Why?” A close second is “Please take this away right now.” Helpful prayers include the following: “How can I help? How can I be the support my loved one needs? How can we learn from this?” Remember that differences are a gift. My differences have proved to be blessings beyond anything I ever anticipated. 

· Encourage loved ones to confide in honest people. A person’s devotion to truth, not just love, is an excellent measure of potential loyalty and sound counsel.

QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT ASK

· “What does gay (or bi, etc.) mean for you?”

· “What has it been like discovering this?”

· “How are you feeling now?”

· “How can I best support you?”

THINGS TO AVOID

· Don’t bemoan a “sad” situation (verbally or otherwise), and don’t ignore or pretend like you didn’t hear the information. Don’t name-call or criticize gays or queers in general.

· Don’t feel guilty. If the loved one is your child, remember that while you may not have been a perfect parent, your parenting likely has nothing to do with your child’s sexual orientation or gender identity.

· Don’t assign stereotypes to your loved one (e.g., that they likely have great fashion sense, have mechanical or sports ability, or should be a natural dancer).

· Don’t exclude your LGBTQIA loved one from activities or family gatherings. (Don’t worry what other people might think of you!) Don’t pressure your loved one to tell certain people.

· Don’t insult, ignore, yell, hit, or physically hurt your loved one or pressure them to be more (or less) masculine or feminine. Don’t restrict your loved one’s access to rational friends, resources, activities, or organizations for fear they might act on gay feelings.

AVOID SAYING

· “Don’t you think you should try dating the opposite sex?”

· “Are you sure?” (Though, keep my friend Jay in mind!)

· “I knew it all along.” (Maybe you did, but so what?)

· “Don’t you know what the scriptures say about this? God doesn’t want gays. He punishes them.” (This is inaccurate and harmful.)

· “This is probably just a phase.” (That’s possible, but when earlier pains or changes arose for your loved one, did you ignore those?)

· “Please don’t tell anyone else.” That’s your insecurity talking; this is about your loved one, not you.

· “I hope you won’t be flamboyant about this.” (You allow others free expression; allow your loved one to determine how they express themselves.)

CONSIDER

· Does this knowledge change the deep emotions you felt when this person entered your life or the feelings you’ve had for this person to this point?

· You will never regret showing love or saying “I love you” to a loved one. You will never regret listening and trying to understand.

· It’s natural to grieve. Do you feel your dream of the “perfect” family slipping away? Do you fear losing a close relationship? Are you afraid your loved one won’t be treated with kindness? These feelings are natural. There is no shame in grieving.

· Blaming yourself or others is neither warranted nor helpful.

(Information enhanced with ideas from ChurchofJesusChrist.org, Asha French, Caitlin Ryan, Family Acceptance Project, and Salvetti, “How to Talk to Your Child.”)

APPENDIX C

HOW TO SUPPORT PARENTS & FAMILIES OF LGBTQIA PEOPLE

Don’t be silent or pull away; don’t ignore; don’t speculate regarding the family member’s worthiness or future. See chapters 1, 2, and 6 before making any comments about causation or choice or change. Don’t worry what your association with LGBTQIA people might imply to others; model fearless love!

Try not to make assumptions about anyone’s sexual orientation. Don’t lecture or simplify or brush LGBTQIA issues aside. Don’t make assumptions about how the family member is living—what they are doing or not doing—alone or with others. Don’t raise eyebrows when LGBTQIA people are given jobs in church; many may be keeping covenants better than you.

Visit. Offer empathy, love, and support. Reach out to the family member, too. Give hugs. Tell them you love them. Educate yourself on related topics. Ask sincere questions in an effort to understand and then listen. Try to imagine how these families might feel.

ASK

· “How is _____ ?” (If the loved one is a child, ask about all their children.)

· “How can I help you and your family member know you’re all loved?”

· “Is there something that might help your loved one feel more welcome at church/school/etc.?”

SAY

· “I love your family member and your family; we want to be friends with you!”

· “We need LGBTQIA people as part of the body of Christ. Each is important and valuable!”

· “I love and accept your family member just as they are!”

· “I may not know what it is like to be in your shoes as the parents/family of a gay individual, but I would really like to understand.”

· “I never want to say the wrong thing or anything hurtful, so please tell me if I do.”

· “Your family member is welcome in my home.”

· “I won’t try to give unsolicited advice, but I’m always here if you need to talk.”

· “No judgment here!”

· “I want your family member to be healthy and happy. I will try to support in healthful ways.”

(Information enhanced with ideas from ChurchofJesusChrist.org, Asha French, Caitlin Ryan, Family Acceptance Project, and Salvetti, “How to Talk to Your Child.”)

RECOMMENDED READINGC. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (Boston, New York: Mariner Books, 2012)Meghan Decker, Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women (Springville, UT: Cedar Fort, 2022)Chip Heath and Dan Heath, Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work (New York: Crown Business, 2013)Brad Wilcox, The Continuous Atonement (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2009)Colleen Harrison, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage(Hyrum, UT: Windhaven, 2006)Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts (Winston-Salem: Northfield Publishing, 2014)Sexaholics Anonymous (Brentwood, TN: Sexaholics Anonymous, 1984)Juli Slattery, God, Sex, and Your Marriage (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2022)Karl W. Beckstrand, The Joys of Male Connection (Midvale, UT: Paths Press, November 2024) 

National Suicide hotline: 988

Support for LGBTQIA people: https://www.northstarlds.org/; 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/; 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/topic/get-help/sexuality/.

https://providentliving.churchofjesuschrist.org/lds-family-services/counseling-services?lang=eng

ORDER

EPILOGUE: Beyond Either/Or Relating with a Gay Loved One

APPENDIXES A - C (Coming out/supporting others)

APPENDIXES D - F (Gospel guidance)

BONUS APPENDIXES G - I (Help with compulsive behavior, on marriage, healthful relating)

CHAPTER NOTES

COMMENTARY